16 Days of Activism & Young People

Whew it's been awhile!

November marks the kick off of 16 Days of Activism, a global movement to raise awareness and understanding about violence against women.  We focus on amplifying the voices of those most impacted, promoting compassion for survivors, and fighting against the epidemic of violence women and queer folks face daily.  The 16 days begin on November 25th, the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women leading up to December 10th, Human Rights Day.  In Canada we also hold space for the National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women in honour of the women killed in the Polytechnique Montréal shooting on December 6th, 1989.

But it's women, as in, grown ups!

When we think about VAW we might automatically think of adult women, but violence against women impacts our young people in a huge way.  

The name violence against women is kind of a leftover relic of bygone eras.  During the mid-20th century there was a second push within the women's rights movement and a large chunk of this movement was focused on supporting women we were experiencing violence, including proving that violence between spouses was actually harmful and not just par for the course.  This new type of violence was often referred to as woman abuse or domestic violence.  

Not only does this name totally ignore gender diverse folks and cismen who experience violence, but it also erases the children and youth living with violence in their homes.

There is a shift now to the term gender based violence.  While it seems like semantics to some, the shift is all about recognizing the lived realities of all people.  While this is a very welcomed shift, it still excludes the young people living in abusive and violent homes.

Intimate Partner Violence

Children and youth can and do experience gender based violence.  In Canada, many of them are suffering under the silent epidemic of intimate partner violence.  

Intimate partner violence is continuous abuse within an intimate relationship

Generally we think of someone who is an intimate partner as being a boyfriend, wife, or common law partner.  While this definition is true, it again erases the kids who are involved in the violence.

Intimate partner violence (IPV) isn't truly violence only between partners, it is also violence between parents and their children.  This can be tricky to grasp for some people, so let's explore a case study!  And to be clear, this case study is an amalgamation of the stories I have seen in my CYC work but it does not reflect any one child's story, nor does it use actual names.

Okay, let's get started!

Introducing Susan & Rebecca

Susan and Rebecca are sisters.  They live with their mother and father in a suburb of Toronto.  They are comfortably middle class, and have many opportunities.  Susan is older than Rebecca by eighteen months, and the girls have always been close.

When their mother became pregnant with Susan things changed between her and her husband.  He became agitated and annoyed by everything she did.  He would yell at her, and once he even hit her across the face.  He would always apologize and so she would forgive him and pretend everything was peachy.

Once Susan was born the violence continued, and with the pregnancy and birth of Rebecca he became increasingly controlling.  Nothing she did was right and he would stop her from comforting the girls.  At night as they slept he would beat her, and during the day he would spew hateful words and block her from her children.

IPV impacts an estimated 22,299 young people in Canada every year.  These children are often thought of as passive observers of abuse.  They may hear or see violence, or they may only be unconsciously aware

of what is transpiring.  IPV is considered an adverse childhood experience (ACE), meaning that it produces toxic stress for young people and their growing brains.  Children who experience IPV have overdeveloped brainstems and underdeveloped frontal lobes.  This makes it more difficult for them to think rationally, understand consequences, and regulate emotions. 

Often we assume that a child who experiences this violence at such a young age will be less impacted because they won't remember it, but the reality is much more stark.  Before the age of three human brains are growing at a mile a minute, developing the foundation for later learning and growth.  If toxic stress invades this process it creates a large hole in the foundation moving forward.  

Think about where you live, would you want a huge gaping hole in the base of it?  Didn't think so.

For now the girls actually seem to be developing without issue though, their speech is a tad behind but they are hitting their milestones.  No one would question if anything was amiss based solely upon their actions.  But they're growing alongside their peers, and their paths are about to diverge. 

Entry to school

As the girls begin kindergarten their mother receives a lot of calls home.  They are both desperate to be with her, so much so that she delays Susan entering school until Rebecca is ready in an effort to make her feel better about the atmosphere.  They are also having difficulty understanding the rules and often respond quickly to conflict.  Susan by using aggression and Rebecca by hiding.  Mom has even been called several times because they couldn't find Rebecca she was so well hidden.

As they begin grade school the problems only seem to get worse.  Rebecca is wetting the bed at night and Susan has terrible nightmares, if she sleeps at all.  They are both also constantly complaining of stomach and headaches, and Susan is diagnosed with asthma.

The girls also struggle to make friends and mostly just play together.  Their patterns of aggression and hiding continue.  

IPV is an epidemic of massive proportion, and the impacts are not (as is often thought) a private manner.  It has long been argued that IPV occurs behind closed doors, and so is not a community issue.  This could not be further from the truth.  While those living with IPV might not be openly discussing it, it is a disease that branches and infects nearly every facet of society. 

Both the girls are behaving in ways that are not only impacting their own learning but also the learning of their peers.  While the other students can sit still and listen to the lesson they are disruptive, impulsively speaking their minds.   

Susan and Rebecca are also starting to experience some of the somatic issues that come along with experiencing intimate partner violence.  Stomach aches, headaches, infections, asthma, and diabetes are all more likely to occur in children who have lived with IPV.

Teenage Years

As the girls get older they begin to experiment with substances.  Susan begins drinking at age ten and soon gets her sister involved.  

On Susan's 14th birthday she wants to have a party.  She has made a few friends and thinks it will be fun to have them over.  Her father is vehemently opposed, while her mother thinks it could be a good opportunity for both her daughters.  A fight ensues and her mother is pushed backward down the stairs.  She falls, hitting her head with a loud CRACK!

Panicked their father leaves the home with the girls inside.  When their mother doesn't wake up Rebecca decides to phone the police.  Susan doesn't agree and the girls argue.  Susan hits her sister, and Rebecca hides.  Eventually a neighbour who has heard the commotion comes to the door.  A tearful Susan tells her the story and the neighbour calls the police.  

CAS are involved and tell the girls' mother she must leave the home or risk losing her children.  She has nowhere to go and so they move into a shelter.  Living in the shelter is tough, but they don't stay for long.  The girls barely have time to make any friends before their time is up and they have to move.  Their mother still has no options so they head to another shelter, and another school.  This continues for several years.  Both girls struggle in their academics and when Rebecca is 16 they drop out of school and move in together.

Teenagers who have experienced IPV are more likely to experiment with substances than their peers. 

They're also more likely to become abusers, or to be abused in their dating relationships.  

When police become involved for intimate partner violence the children's aid society (CAS) is notified.  They often then ask that mom leave the home or risk losing her children.  When women have nowhere else to go they access shelter.  While shelters do their best the stays are typically short (somewhere between 6 weeks and 6 months on average) and then a family is moved on.  If they cannot find housing they will have to access another shelter.  

Accessing multiple shelters means changing schools often.  This means children and youth cannot form relationships, cannot access consistent after school programming, and do not retain their academics as well as their peers.

All grown up!

Susan and Rebecca are now grown.  They have precarious jobs that pay the bills, but it's hard to keep them.  Susan 'has a temper' and Rebecca is too anxious to speak to customers.  Susan also uses alcohol to cope and can find herself in fights often.  She doesn't speak to their mother anymore.

Rebecca is married to a man she met when she was 17.  She too uses alcohol but is better able to hide it than her sister.  She fell pregnant at 18 and her husband became verbally and sometimes physically aggressive toward her.  When her daughter falls to sleep at night she hears her father berate and beat her mother.

IPV is an intergenerational social problem, meaning that it is handed down from one generation to the next, but unlike a cool retro/vintage dress, it's no fun to be receiving it.  We see here that as adults Susan still has to manage complex needs related to her experiences, and Rebecca is herself repeating the cycle.  Teaching her daughter the same lessons she was taught:

1. Relationships can be violent and that's okay
2. Resolving conflict always involves some form of violence
3. Love is painful, you can love someone and still intentionally cause them harm

IPV isn't really just a women's issue after all

Intimate partner violence impacts more than just the partners.  Young people are not passive observers of intimate partner violence, they are active participants.  An act of violence against a child's parent is an act of violence against them.

In Ontario and across the globe IPV is a pandemic.  Many regions (including my own) in Ontario have declared IPV an epidemic, and yet femicide is on the rise and shelters are bursting at their seams.  

November 25th marks the first day of the 16 Days of Activism.  I encourage you to get involved!  Sign the petition to create a national action plan for violence against women, find your local government official and request they declare IPV an epidemic in your area (click here if you're in Ontario), or reach out to a local agency that supports survivors of GBV to volunteer your time!

Have you had an experience with IPV?  Personal or professional?  Drop a comment and let me know!

–Feminist CYC ✌️

Resources for those dealing with intimate partner violence:

Kids Help Phone– 1-800-668-6868
Shelter Safe– find a shelter near you
Assaulted Women's Helpline: 1-866-863-0511
LGBT Youthline– 647 694 4275
Love is Respect– Based in the US to support youth healthy relationships

Alberta Family Wellness Initiative– Check out their brain story course!